• You’ve been working for ten long years to complete a 30′ tall sculpture of Queen Elizabeth out of 20,000 recycled Ballantine Ale cans and your kidneys are about shot.
  • Putting your Hummer in neutral going down hills has saved you only .008 gallons of black gold per mile.
  • Your neighbor’s wind farm is blocking your view of the oil refinery.
  • They have yet to make an authentic Ben Roethlisberger jersey out of organic cotton.
  • You tried a pair of hemp sandals but found them largely un-combustible and difficult to fit into any of your old hash pipes.
  • Scientists have failed at all attempts to make a 100% organic version of Maypo.
  • Hamburger Helper’s new ‘All Vegan Simulated-Sirloin Helper’ just doesn’t get the job done for you.
  • You were recently mauled by a horde of carpenter ants after a failed attempt to talk them out of your house.
  • The Wave Power installation in your Koi pond won’t power your 3,000 cubic foot hot tub.
  • That ‘Soy Hold’ hair gel you bought makes you look like Marie Osmond on a bad-hair day.

Related: previously on AltCon – 10 reasons to go green