helping McCain - Palin ‘green’ America

Humor…

Let’s help our friends on the Republican Presidential ticket get more support for some of their less appealing environmental positions.

Some ideas for new programs:

• Senator McCain loves his nuclear power.  He is hellbent on building “a bunch” of nuke plants all across our nation.  Once Johnny Mac gets those nuke plants humming, we’ll need a program to dispose of all the pesky spent nuclear material that the naysayers harp about.  Solution: a federal mandate that every homeowner bury, let’s say something like… 5 pounds of nuclear waste, in their back yard in exchange for a half-point reduction in their  mortgage rate…call it “Project Glowing Home.”
• Photos of her moose hunting prowess indicate Governor Palin is a much better shot than the now hard-to-find Dick Cheney. We suggest she create a national  ‘hunt til you drop’ program that would offset skyrocketing food prices by encouraging hockey moms and grandmothers to put food on the table the the old fashioned way, by killing it themselves. We could call it ‘Local Harvest‘ or the ‘Gotcha Project.’
• Obama recently stated that he wants to expand the Peace Corps. Well, how about an activist approach to public service that’s more in-keeping with the national security focus of the Republican ticket.  This proposal would combine Senator McCain’s military expertise and Governor Palin’s affection for aerial hunting into an action-packed, patriotic vacation offer.  An all-inclusive six day/seven night Afghanistan adventure that entails thinning out Taliban and Al Qaeda operatives from Blackwater-supplied helicopters for a modest $599 per person, single occupancy - ammo included…call it “Operation American Eagle.”
• We all know the Alaskan governor is an energy expert.  Her love of caribou-migration-disrupting pipelines, and desire to drill in protected wildlife preserves is well documented. Combine her passion for harvesting natural resources with Senator McCain’s passion for drilling and you’ve got the makings of a program that could tap into the national fervor for oil exploration.  The solution — ‘Urban Oil Wildcatting.’  A federal eminent domain program that would allow our nation to tap into the vast oil reserves under our nation’s cities and homes, fully exploiting our reserves by drilling wherever black gold is found — be it under a daycare center, Indian reservation or rest home.  Let every American experience the joy of contributing to our nation’s security and energy independence.
• Another energy meets vacation idea… We all know it’s in our best national interest to allow our offshore oil to be harvested by our partners, the multinational oil conglomerates. We must band together to ignore the teensy chance that they may, once again, gouge us at the pump or sell the stuff to somebody else.  As a gesture of partnership between our government and big oil we suggest that the Arizona Senator enact a plan to create oil rig hotels, spas and casinos that would transform offshore oil platforms into multi-tasking vacation destinations.  In addition to providing all that fresh salt air, the package could include helpful seminars, like:  “Moving Jobs and Investments Offshore,”  “Raping Federal Lands for Pennies an Acre,” “Strip Mining for Fun and Profit” and “Old Growth Timber Harvesting.” Call the whole deal - “How to Make America Work for You.”
• Finally, on the transportation front - how about a snow machine in every garage!  Sarah Palin and her brood like nothing better than to ride their frighteningly loud, pollution spewing snowmobiles through the pristine Alaskan wilderness, embracing an America that doesn’t exist anywhere else…A new plan could be implemented, in conjunction with the opening of all national parks to off-road vehicle use, that would give taxpayers a one-time $2,000 tax credit toward the purchase of the snowmobile or ATV of their choice, so every Joe Sixpack can experience the overwhelming natural beauty of our majestic country while driving through, and over it, at 70 mph, just like the governor and her trail-blazing, All-American family.

Please feel free to drop a comment with any of your own helpful ideas for the Mc-Palin ticket.

Related:  previously on altCon -

sarah palin’s 8-step alaskan energy plan (9.14.08)