We’re just trying to have some fun here…

• You’ve been working for ten long years to complete a 30′ tall sculpture of Queen Elizabeth out of 20,000 recycled Ballantine Ale cans and your kidneys are about shot.
• Putting your Hummer in neutral going down hills has saved you only .008 gallons of black gold per mile.
• You tried a pair of hemp sandals but found them largely un-combustible and difficult to fit into any of your old hash pipes.
• Your neighbor’s wind farm is blocking your view of the local oil refinery.
• They have yet to make an authentic Ben Roethlisberger jersey out of organic cotton.
• The Wave Power installation in your Koi pond won’t power your 3,000 cubic foot hot tub.
• Scientists have failed at all attempts to make a 100% organic version of Velveeta.
• Hamburger Helper’s new ‘All Vegan Simulated-Sirloin Helper’ just doesn’t get the job done for you.
• That ‘Soy Hold’ hair gel you bought makes you look like Marie Osmond on a bad-hair day.
• You were recently mauled by a horde of carpenter ants after a failed attempt to talk them out of your house.

Related: previously on altCon – 10 reasons to go green