bain boys

There are many shades of green. Environmentalists and treehuggers see a verdant, vibrant green in old growth forests, bubbling mountain springs and ocean estuaries teaming with fish, fowl and wildlife. Mitt Romney sees another shade of green. Cast your gaze upon the iconic photo from Mitt’s halcyon days at Bain Capital (above). Mitt and his disciples stand festooned with dollar bills in their pockets, mouths and various orifices — you know the shade of ‘green’ he embraces.

As we all know, Mitt is all about job creation and ‘5 Point Plans’. Mitt assures us that deep within his well coiffed head he possesses the keys to unlocking old-school American economic growth (who need details?). We thought we’d help Mitt out by outlining his “5 Point Deregulation is Job Creation Plan”. It goes something like this:

  1. Dismantle the E.P.A. – Who wants meddling bureaucrats and over-educated scientists interfering with commerce by ensuring our air and water are clean enough to safely consume? Mitt would neuter the E.P.A. reverting to a business-friendly 1950’s approach to environmental protection. Remember when you could ignite Lake Erie with a match? Those were the days! As we all know, big corporations have only the general public’s best interests at heart, because, after all, they’re people too. While Mitt’s at it he’d also like to weaken all those fuel efficiency standards that are preventing Detroit from building those gas-guzzling cars that consumers have been clamoring for…
  2. Drill baby drill – Let’s get busy drilling for oil in all our coastal waters (that means you Florida), protected Alaskan wildlife preserves and on public lands everywhere. Mitt has gone so far as to state that oilman-by-birth, G.W. Bush, wasn’t enthusiastic enough in his pursuit of every last drop of the black gold or… cough … fragrantly, carcinogenic coal. We should also loosen the regulations on natural gas production – and fracking in particular. What’s the problem with rolling the dice by endangering drinking water supplies and a few thousand lakes and streams (isn’t that what bottled water is for?) when jobs and the economy are at stake?
  3. A pipeline to profits – Environmental studies be damned – fast-tracking the Keystone pipeline is a Romney ‘must-do’. The Mittster wants to immediately pipe gobs of Canadian tar sand oil gurgling across the American plains (over vital aquifers) and onto Chinese tankers as soon as possible (day one). Mitt loves tar sands mining technology – it’s mountaintop-removal mining without the troublesome mountaintop.
  4. Clean air be damned – Mitt can’t get enough deregulation. He won’t breath easy until he’s gutted the Clean Air Act saving the jobs of countless polluters, coal minors and smog creators. Under Mitt’s plan dozens of coal-powered power plants could continue to provide cost-effective energy and pollution to our nation’s heartland (and anyone else downwind). Protecting people’s respiratory systems is a job killer for both the energy industry and big healthcare. Asthma, lung cancer and mercury poisoning are all big money makers. Mitt can help two industries flourish with just one stroke of the pen.
  5. Get those plants and animals out of my way – Mitt knows the difference between a job creator and a bunny rabbit. He’ll eliminate a bunch of those pesky protectionist Endangered Species regulations that are preventing job creation. Logging, mining and manufacturing should not be encumbered by concerns over destroying the habit of spotted owls and desert turtles that have never created a single job.